The Three Most Powerful Words: Lower Your Expectations
The expectations we have for our pets can cause a world of trouble. For our pets; but also for ourselves. So when I say the magic words “lower your expectations” to my clients, I can see the relief on their faces as they relax. The clenched fists in their laps open up, their shoulders unhunch, their faces and eyes brighten.
I go on. We talk about “the problem” – whatever it happens to be – and what that behavior is for. Because all behavior is “for” something.
“My dog barks all the time” is a common one. Well, let’s explore that. First of all, let’s talk about your dog’s breed or combination of breeds. Some dogs are simply evolutionally designed to bark a lot and even though your Sheltie lives in an apartment in Manhattan, he’s still designed to bark at things that move.
When we ask a dog not to do something that they’re born to do, we’re asking a lot. The miraculous thing is, most pet dogs are perfectly willing to give up this inborn trait in exchange for the sheer bliss of being with YOU. (There are so many miraculous things about the willingness of dogs to adjust to humans and our demands!)
Others give it up more reluctantly, and some simply can’t do it. Asking your Corgi not to chase after those rascally toddlers in your home is a stretch but most can learn the difference between Toddlers – do not chase – and Ball – good to chase. That's where positive training comes in.
(Note: I am not a Breedist – all dogs are individuals and how much or how little of a breed ‘characteristic’ an individual dog possesses is unique to that dog. But knowing what behaviors were intentionally selected for in particular breeds can be enormously helpful when addressing behavioral ‘problems’ that result from centuries of breeding dogs in order to develop that behavior! I highly recommend Kim Brophy’s excellent book Meet Your Dog https://www.meetyourdogbook.com/ for a lively exploration of the behaviors dogs were selectively bred for. And in a later blog, I’ll tell you how my English Springer Spaniel Emma showed me her genetic bona fides. It involves a turkey.)
Decades ago, when I moved out of Manhattan so I could live someplace where I could wake up and see green, and have a fenced-in yard for a dog, I knew nothing, and I do mean nothing, about dogs other than I loved them and had grown up with them. You know the type of person. “I lived with dogs all my life therefore I know…”
Well, it turns out I knew nothing. And I was going to learn a lot of harmful, hurtful things that made me think I knew something (“Well, so-and-so says…”) before I learned to listen to my dogs, my heart, and just plain old common sense. I learned to seek out knowledge and instruction from experts who felt as I did – but that was a long and bumpy journey.
I grew up in small town in Michigan and when I was a kid, people just opened their doors in the morning and let the dogs out. The dogs were free to run around the neighborhood, go check on their friends, avoid their enemies, go see if the nice people who gave out cookies were up, have a little roll in any dead fish that washed up on the beach overnight (and maybe snack on a few), and come back home either when they were ready or when called with the magic words “Skippy! Breakfast!”
They basically got to do a whole bunch of things they were born to do: they got to socialize with their conspecifics (i.e. other dogs), avoid confrontations, seek food (either by hunting or by visiting the neighbor with the Milkbones). They got to chase prey (plenty of black squirrels in our neighborhood, seagulls on the beach, critters in the woods behind our neighbors), they got to scavenge for food (yum! road kill! Rabbit poop! Unsecured garbage cans!); they got to dig and chase and run and play and squabble. They lived the kind of life many street dogs currently live but better because they were well fed, had proper medical care, were periodically groomed, and had a loving, safe home to return to.
Interesting fact: did you know that only 20 to 25 percent * of the world’s dogs are owned pet dogs? 75 to 80 percent of dogs are free-ranging – not feral or wild, but living life in conjunction with humans, in villages and towns. Their lives aren’t cushy -- in fact they may be full of disease and danger – and they can pose a significant health risk to their communities as well, but they have one thing many pet dogs don’t have and that’s the ability to do what they were born to do. They get to make their own choices, to a certain extent – certainly to a greater extent than the normal pet dog gets to.
Pet dogs are, after all, captive animals. We don’t like to think of it that way – “captive animal” to me conjures up the image of a sad, straggly polar bear obsessively pacing back and forth on his fake rock in the sweltering heat – but it is what they are. We decide what they eat and when they eat it, where they sleep, when and where they can relieve themselves, who they socialize with (or don’t), what sports they participate in (or don’t), what they wear (or don’t), etc. etc. etc.
Would my dogs trade their cushy lives where their only “choices” are ones I manufacture for them for a life on the street where they get to make all the choices? I can’t read their minds, of course, but I’m 95 percent sure the answer would be “Are you nuts?”
Next up: Lowering Expectations Continued…
*Estimates on the numbers of free-ranging dogs vary but most fall within the 75-80 percent range.
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